The Love Prescription - Book Summary

Dive into the fascinating world of lasting love

For some, love remains a lifelong romance, while for others, it dissipates as soon as the honeymoon phase is over. This baffling phenomenon sparks curiosity and a lot of questions. But guess who has the answers? John and Julie Gottman. With a wealth of experiences as married partners and as professionals in the field of psychology, therapy, and research, they have acquired significant insights into the realm of love.

Almost three decades ago, in 1990, they inaugurated their "Love Lab" in Seattle. A countless number of couples have come under their watchful gaze since then — an endeavor to comprehend what truly makes love endure.

Surprisingly, their findings point out that love, in reality, isn't as puzzling as it seems. It's not just a transient emotion, but rather an action — an exercise that can be honed over time.

Whether you're wrapped in the sweet bubble of a fresh romance, or have been wedded for several years, there's wisdom to be gained from the Gottmans. Their expertise extends to the exact measures needed to ensure not just the longevity of a relationship, but also its vitality and growth. In the narrative that follows, we will unravel some of their practical, scientifically-backed advice.

Imagine this guidance as a doctor's prescription — except, in this case, your physicians are the Gottmans, masters in matters of love, with the perfect remedy for couples yearning for satisfaction in their relationships.

The good news is, it's never too late to enhance your relationship. However, there's no moment like the present to start. So let's plunge right in.

Embrace the fleeting moments for connection

You must have come across this advice more often than not — "Seize moments to bond with your partner." Sounds like a regular relationship tip, doesn't it? However, putting it into practice might not be as straightforward.

Let's take a look at the story of Jeremy and Alison who found themselves at a retreat hosted by the Gottmans. Their relationship was on the verge of disintegration and they were drained out, searching desperately for a remedy.

Their struggle was set in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. Both of them were juggling between their work-from-home schedules and supervising their young children engaged in remote learning.

The Gottmans raised the question, "When do you two get the chance to connect?" Jeremy and Alison were dumbstruck. Their packed schedules left them with little or no time to connect with each other.

It's a perception shared by many couples. But in reality, opportunities for significant bonding are aplenty throughout the day — all we need to do is recognize them.

The Gottmans refer to these opportunities as "bids for connection." These could be as subtle as your partner letting out a sigh — possibly an invitation for you to inquire, "What's bothering you?"

When your partner extends a bid for connection, you have three alternatives to respond — you can turn towards the bid with a positive response, you can turn away by not responding at all, or you can turn against it with a negative reaction.

Imagine this scenario. You're sitting next to your partner while they're browsing through articles on their phone. Suddenly, they remark, "This looks interesting."

This offhand comment is a bid for connection. So, how do you choose to respond?

You could easily dismiss the bid, or retort with, "Not now — I'm caught up with work."

Alternatively, you could turn towards the bid — look at your partner and ask, "What's the article about?"

Undoubtedly, it's challenging to react appropriately all the time. However, it's crucial to strive and respond to your partner’s bids for connection as often as you can.

And here's why. Over time, these instances accumulate. Your response to your partner can essentially determine the fate of your relationship.

Engage in deep conversations with your partner

One intriguing way of fostering a connection with your partner is by engaging them in thought-provoking questions.

Take a moment to reminisce about the early days of your relationship, when you were just starting to date. The sheer fascination you felt towards each other likely fueled endless questions and deep conversations. The excitement of getting to know a person who might be your life companion was truly exhilarating.

Fast forward to the present and the curiosity has possibly dwindled. Your partner no longer fascinates you the way they used to because, you already know them!

However, the Gottmans emphasize the importance of keeping the spark of curiosity alive in long-term relationships. Continue indulging in meaningful questions with each other.

So, what kind of questions might stimulate deeper connections? Certainly not the routine ones like, "Did you remember to call the plumber?"

Instead, venture into broad, open-ended questions. They could range from serious ones like, "What's one of your current life dreams?" to more fun and whimsical ones like, "If you could design our ideal house, what would it look like?"

Go ahead and experiment. Formulate an engaging, open-ended question and present it to your partner today.

If your question is likely to spark a longer conversation, choose a relaxed setting, say, during dinner. You could even involve friends and family in the discussion — it needn't be an exclusive dialogue between the two of you.

To make the situation less uncomfortable, pose the question while you’re engaged in an activity together — like during a hike. There’s something about being in motion that smoothens the flow of conversation.

Strive to cultivate the habit of asking these types of questions. You might be taken aback by the responses, realizing that you don't quite know your partner as comprehensively as you presumed.

It's crucial to remember that we can never wholly know another person, even if we have lived with them for several years. So, keep the questions flowing, and embark on the never-ending journey of understanding your partner.

Express your gratitude

Your partner is an intricate, exceptional individual who should be recognized as such. However, some aspects of relationships are straightforward and universally applicable. One such aspect is the desire to feel valued — something everyone, including you and your partner, craves.

Luckily, fostering a feeling of appreciation is relatively simple. Here's an example that elucidates the substantial impact of just two little words.

Joel and David consulted the Gottmans, struggling under the burden of an unhealthy cycle of negativity, bitterness, and constant criticism. They both felt inadequate, believing they could never meet the other's expectations.

But then, the dynamics changed. During their subsequent counseling session, Joel and David radiated contentment and even sat closer to each other.

Intrigued by the change, the Gottmans inquired, "What triggered the shift?"

Joel shrugged and with a smile responded, "David thanked me for making coffee."

The mere act of expressing gratitude brought about a significant shift in the couple's relationship. They began to appreciate each other more and shifted their focus towards the positive attributes of their partner.

Criticism comes naturally to us because our brains are wired to look out for problems. However, with practice, we can retrain our minds to accentuate the positives.

Make a conscious effort to observe your partner's actions and appreciate the small, positive things they do throughout the day. You might be surprised by the multitude of good things they do — from neatly organizing the kitchen to helping your child prepare for school.

And when you observe these positive gestures, don't keep quiet. Make your appreciation known. Cultivate a habit of saying "thank you" even for the mundane, everyday tasks.

By regularly expressing gratitude, you contribute to building an environment of appreciation in your relationship. It's a simple yet potent way to lay the groundwork for enduring love.

Deliver heartfelt compliments

Expressing gratitude by saying "thank you" is one simple way to show appreciation. Let's delve into something equally straightforward yet deeply impactful — paying your partner a compliment.

This might seem trivial or commonplace to you. Perhaps, you already praise your partner occasionally or are aware that you should do it more frequently.

However, have you pondered which types of compliments truly enrich relationships?

According to the Gottmans, compliments that acknowledge your partner's personality, rather than their actions, make the strongest impression. Compliment your partner for who they truly are.

If complimenting doesn't come easily to you, here's a quick exercise. Start by listing down some positive adjectives that reflect your partner's virtues. These could include being generous, humorous, sensitive, or creative.

Next, observe your partner closely and identify moments when they exhibit these qualities. Once you spot them, make it a point to acknowledge it. Share your thoughts, out loud. Say something like, "I love your generous spirit" or "I deeply admire your creativity."

If voicing your admiration feels too intimidating, you could try penning it down. Jot down instances when your partner displayed a particular quality and how much it meant to you. Share these sentiments with them. You'll be amazed at how this simple act can rekindle the spark.

In general, never underestimate the potency of kindness in a relationship. It's of paramount importance.

Here's an interesting example. The Gottmans conducted a long-term study of several couples, analyzing the ratio of positive to negative interactions in their relationships. They sought to understand the minimum amount of positive interactions necessary to balance negative ones.

The finding? A ratio of twenty to one. In a romantic relationship, you need twenty positive exchanges to offset one negative interaction.

So, it's time to pay your partner a heartfelt compliment. You can even do it right now. Tell them precisely what you love about their character. Compliment them not for their fashion sense or culinary skills, but for their essence.

Communicate your needs to your partner

If you've been paying attention, you'll notice recurring themes: the significance of actions and clear communication.

Your partner possesses a myriad of wonderful attributes, but telepathy isn't one of them. They can't possibly know what you're thinking or what your current needs are.

Frequently, tension stems from miscommunication. It's common for individuals to drop hints about their needs and then harbor resentment when their partner doesn't meet them. However, how can anyone fulfill needs they're oblivious to?

Regrettably, many of us struggle with articulating our needs. This could be attributed to societal conditioning.

Men often internalize their needs as societal norms dictate they play the role of stalwart providers who can't ask for help. Women, on the other hand, are generally conditioned to prioritize others' needs over theirs.

In a joyful, balanced relationship, you should be able to express your needs directly without resorting to criticism. If you need help with chores, accusing your partner with, "You never clean!" isn't constructive.

So, what's the more effective way to communicate your needs? Fortunately, the Gottmans provide a handy template to help you articulate your needs productively.

Firstly, bear in mind that the conversation revolves around you and your needs, not your partner.

In the discussion, describe the situation you wish to amend. Keep the focus on the situation and your feelings regarding it. For example, if the issue is a messy kitchen, say something along the lines of, "The kitchen is really untidy, and it's making me feel overwhelmed."

Then, explicitly express your positive need. Be specific. Using the kitchen scenario, you could say, "Could you please help me out by doing the dishes?"

That's how you communicate your needs without resorting to criticism and without expecting your partner to possess psychic powers. Simply delineate your feelings about the situation and suggest how they can assist you.

Embrace the power of touch

Up until now, we've been exploring the domain of verbal communication. However, you might wonder, "What about the physical aspect of a relationship?" Indeed, that's equally crucial. For all of us, touch holds enormous significance.

Physical intimacy essentially functions as a potent elixir. Actions like a kiss or a hug trigger the release of oxytocin — a hormone that blesses us in manifold ways. It alleviates stress, reduces blood pressure, and most importantly, forges a sense of connection with the other person.

While everyone benefits from physical contact, it's vital to understand that its perception varies among individuals. Factors like one's upbringing or past experiences can influence their attitude towards touch.

Cultural nuances also come into play. Consider Sidney Jourard's "coffee house" study in the 1960s.

Jourard visited cafés in various global cities, observing the behaviour of couples and noting how frequently they touched each other. He included subtle gestures like a man caressing a woman's back or their knees brushing against each other.

The study revealed notable disparities across cities and cultures. Parisian couples, on average, touched each other over 100 times an hour. In contrast, London couples registered zero touches. Evidently, certain cultures harbour a taboo against touch.

With this in mind, remember that you and your partner might hold distinct preferences regarding physical contact. If you're unsure, initiate a discussion. Find out what they're comfortable with.

Once you've ascertained that, the Gottmans advise seeking opportunities to touch. Seize every chance you get to embrace your partner for at least 20 seconds — that's the duration required for oxytocin to kick in.

Kissing, needless to say, feels wonderful. However, other less apparent forms of touch can also boost oxytocin levels. When sitting beside your partner on the couch, wrap an arm around them. Or engage in a playful footsie under the dinner table.

Touch should be a regular, everyday occurrence — not an act confined to intimate moments or special occasions. On that note... when did you last go on a date with your partner?

Make date nights a tradition

In a long-standing relationship, date nights can easily fall by the wayside. Perhaps you're too exhausted or occupied to venture out, or maybe finances pose a challenge. Consequently, prioritizing fun might seem redundant.

However, it shouldn't be. Consistent date nights should be non-negotiable. In fact, if the Gottmans had their way, they'd mandate: "Have fun with your partner!"

At its core, that's what we're talking about — enjoyment. Sharing enjoyable experiences as a couple is of utmost importance. More often than not, grievances about lack of intimacy in a relationship are truly about an absence of fun and thrill.

To reignite the flame and rediscover the joy of your companion's company, consider going on a date.

It doesn't have to be a sophisticated candlelit dinner at an upscale restaurant. It doesn't have to be time-consuming or even involve spending money. In fact, you don't even need to step out of the house.

During the pandemic, a couple — Vanessa and Carlos — got innovative. They hosted date nights in their backyard, toasting marshmallows over the fire with their children. Once the children were asleep, Vanessa and Carlos would return outside to spend time by the fire, engage in conversation, and enjoy a glass of wine.

Committing to date nights wasn't always smooth sailing. Both had professional responsibilities and often grappled with stress and exhaustion. However, they recognized the importance of prioritizing their relationship. As Vanessa put it, "Life was stressful. Something had to give. And I decided that it wasn't going to be our marriage."

So, if you desire a joyful, enduring relationship, continue dating. Make a pact with your partner to schedule regular date nights, regardless of the circumstances.

If you wish, invite them on a date right now. Begin planning for your next rendezvous.

Don't fret excessively about the specifics. What truly counts is that you're investing quality time together — just the two of you — free from screens or other distractions.

Carve out time for your relationship. That's an order, straight from the doctor's prescription pad.

Final thoughts

Love transcends beyond mere emotions. It's a conscious decision you make at every moment, every single day. Regardless of the status of your relationship or the duration you've been together, you can always devise methods to foster deeper connections and intimacy. Sometimes, it could be as straightforward as posing a question to your partner or draping an arm around them. These minor gestures, when accumulated over time, shape the joy and endurance of a relationship.