Thanks for the Feedback - Book Summary

Unlock the art of perfect feedback: For your benefit and for others.

Imagine the scenario: your supervisor pulls you aside for a chat. They start to discuss your performance, pointing out areas of concern. How does this conversation unfold? Is your superior calmly explaining the issues, suggesting solutions, and working with you to improve? Or do they lash out angrily, attacking you and your work, leaving you feeling useless?

Most of us are familiar with the concept of constructive feedback, and it's fairly universally agreed upon that negative, hurtful feedback benefits no one. So, how do we avoid the pitfalls of destructive feedback and create a dialogue that is beneficial and productive?

In this discussion, we'll provide you with the necessary tools to not only deliver excellent, useful feedback but also to be on the receiving end of such feedback.

In this narrative, we'll be shedding light on intriguing aspects such as —

why our genetic makeup dictates how we respond to different feedback styles —

why an astonishing number of us truly believe we're in the top ten percent of managerial talent —

and how detrimental feedback can potentially wreak havoc on a relationship.

Decoding the three essential feedback types and their unique roles.

Ever received a test paper marked with a score and found yourself wondering, "Okay, but what does this mean?" While the grade might give you a sense of your current standing, it does nothing to help you improve. In essence, it's the wrong feedback style.

Understanding the effective feedback mechanism involves recognizing three primary categories: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Each of these categories has a unique purpose: appreciation fuels motivation and encouragement, coaching aids improvement, and evaluation provides a clear perspective of your current position and expectations.

For instance, picture a basketball match scenario. Prior to the game, your coach might pump you up with a motivational talk — that's coaching. During the game, they cheer you on with words of encouragement like "Good shot!" or "Keep going!" — that's appreciation. Post-game, they review the team's performance, pinpointing strengths and areas of improvement — that's evaluation.

Identifying the appropriate feedback type for different situations is crucial. When you've given your all and are at the brink of exhaustion, appreciation for your effort is more beneficial than coaching on how to do better. Conversely, when you're facing hurdles and in dire need of coaching, simple words of appreciation like "You're doing well" are inadequate.

So, be mindful of what you need. If your goal is to enhance your essay writing skills, seek out your professor and request feedback that will foster improvement.

Master the art of pinpointing the feedback that you need — and you'll find it much easier to receive it.

Navigating feedback: Comprehend it before responding.

Picture this: someone highlights a flaw in your work, but you're convinced they're the ones mistaken. Many of us have been in this position, and often, the typical response is to dismiss the feedback. But perhaps the feedback isn't actually incorrect; maybe we just don't understand it.

Instead of jumping to defensiveness, take a step back. Try to comprehend the intention behind the person's feedback. Scan their comments for essential points that you can work on.

Often, we receive feedback wrapped in generic comments, devoid of specificity. The absence of precision can lead to varying interpretations for the giver and the receiver.

Take the statement, "You're a reckless driver," for example. That comment would be much easier to digest and act upon if you knew the exact context or the specific instances that drove the person to say it. It could translate to, "Every time I'm in the car with you, you're engrossed in your phone." Faced with such feedback, question why the person perceives you in that way.

Also, try to identify the action the feedback aims to instigate. Are they suggesting you be more cautious overall while driving, or are they recommending a specific change like installing a hands-free device in your car?

One key factor while dissecting feedback is understanding the giver's perspective. It's a human tendency to lack objectivity about oneself —

A 2007 survey demonstrated this aptly by revealing that 90 percent of managers believed their performance to be in the top ten percent. A clear impossibility, as not all 90 percent can occupy the top ten percent! Self-perception can often be skewed.

Recognize the value in others' opinions, especially when they possess information you might not have. Suppose someone critiques your management style based on new sales data or customer feedback about your professionalism. Even if you felt you were performing optimally, there's an apparent disparity between your perception and theirs. Embrace this information, using it as a stepping stone to improvement rather than disregarding it.

Feedback: A flashlight into your blind spots.

Ever mimicked a friend, only for them to exclaim, "I don't do that!" while everyone else bursts into laughter, agreeing with your impression? It's often startling to realize how differently others perceive us.

We rarely see ourselves as others do — this holds true both physically and emotionally. For instance, we're not usually aware of how our facial expressions might reveal more than we intend to.

Imagine you're striving to be more approachable towards your coworkers due to past comments about seeming aloof. So, you start smiling more. But if your heart isn't into it, chances are they'll detect the lack of genuineness in your smile.

Similar to our inability to witness our expressions, we're also unable to hear our tone of voice, making it challenging to self-assess accurately. If you possess a somewhat assertive tone, you might overlook it as you're accustomed to it. What feels 'normal' to you might come across as 'aggressive' to others.

Our perceptions of ourselves frequently deviate from how others perceive us. When we stumble, we tend to attribute it to external factors or circumstances. Conversely, other people might view the same scenario as a personal flaw.

For example, if someone comments about you being unfriendly, you're likely to reason that you were just stressed that day (i.e., circumstances). Meanwhile, the person could interpret this as a characteristic trait.

Moreover, we tend to evaluate ourselves based on our intentions, whereas we judge others by their actions. Consider the earlier example of the insincere smile. Despite your effort to appear friendlier, your coworkers might perceive you as deceitful, possibly thinking of you as even less affable than before.

We often carry a more positive self-image than what others might hold of us, which is why negative feedback can be particularly jarring.

Consider feedback as a flashlight that illuminates your blind spots. Recognize it, learn from it, and apply that knowledge to garner even more insights from future feedback.

Feedback in the light of relationships: It's all about the interpretation.

Ever found yourself questioning why criticism from certain individuals is easier to accept while others' remarks trigger irritation or dismissal? The dynamics of the relationship between you and the feedback giver significantly impact how you perceive their comments.

Not all feedback is processed equally. The decisive factor is whether the person offering the feedback is deemed trustworthy and sincere.

For example, you might instinctively reject criticism from a work colleague you've always considered a rival for your job. Are their intentions genuinely for your benefit? Alternatively, you could wave away advice from your best friend regarding your job, thinking, "They don't have a clue about my field."

Such defensive judgments can hinder your growth. Your colleague might indeed be your adversary, but that doesn't invalidate their point. Similarly, your best friend's suggestions could be insightful, regardless of their professional expertise.

Feedback can also strain relationships, as it poses a challenge to fundamental elements like feeling appreciated and maintaining autonomy. When someone opines on what you should do, it often feels like they're trying to steer your actions, or subtly suggesting that you need improvement — implying that you're not perfect in their eyes.

Feedback can also become tangled up in personal relationship dynamics. Imagine a scenario where you express displeasure over a gift from your partner. In response, they accuse you of being ungrateful. Who is in the right?

There are two angles to the situation — from your perspective, the issue lies in your partner's disregard for your preferences. From their viewpoint, you come across as unappreciative.

If anger and resentment take the reins, the opportunity for growth from feedback is lost, resulting in both parties feeling slighted.

The interplay of relationships and feedback: It's all about perspective.

It's not unusual for tension to arise from our differences. You might prefer lounging after dinner, while I'm inclined to wash the dishes right away. Aren't these distinctions what make us unique?

Sometimes, taking a step back to observe the elements influencing our relationships can make it easier to accept feedback and alter our behavior constructively.

Our roles in various contexts like work or family can interfere with effective communication. Consider a traffic policeman and a speed-limit offender. They might share numerous similarities as individuals, but their roles dictate them as opponents, making tension almost inevitable.

Now, imagine if a close friend at your workplace gets promoted and suddenly becomes your boss. The shift in roles can lead to awkward dynamics, as they grapple with how to interact with you.

Our environment significantly impacts how we engage with others. Let's say there's a car crash. The instinctive response would be to blame one of the drivers. However, looking at the broader context might reveal that a third vehicle was involved, or perhaps the streetlights were faulty.

Apply this same broader view to relationships: if a child is consistently mean to their peers, it could be because their family environment rewards dominance, or maybe another kid is encouraging their unkind behavior.

This perspective doesn't excuse the child's behavior, but it helps comprehend it, and understanding is a vital step in utilizing feedback effectively.

So when you're on the receiving end of feedback, reflect on your emotions towards the person giving it and their feelings towards you. Also, take a few steps back to identify other influences that could be at play.

The interplay of our brain, emotions, and feedback interpretation.

Ever wondered why some individuals seem more receptive to feedback than others? Our response to feedback is significantly determined by our brain's wiring.

Our genetic makeup sets our default happiness level. Some people are naturally predisposed to be happier than others. Research indicates that at least 50% of these differences are attributed to our genes, rather than our life experiences. Additionally, our emotional range varies; some people are more emotive than others.

You can easily spot these differences in children. Certain kids are highly responsive to minor things like loud noises, while others remain unfazed. Correspondingly, our sensitivity to feedback varies.

The higher your happiness baseline, the more favorably you'll likely respond to positive feedback. Conversely, if your happiness baseline is lower, you're more likely to react negatively to adverse feedback.

The brain also influences our recovery speed from feedback.

A 2002 study by researcher Richard Davidson revealed a vast variance in the duration we can sustain positive emotions and the time we need to recover from negative emotions — up to a staggering 3,000 percent difference.

The left and right hemispheres of our brain process positive and negative feedback differently. Individuals with heightened activity in their right brain tend to recover from negative feedback at a slower pace.

Intriguingly, irrespective of our brain structure, we all share a common trait: we experience negative emotions more intensely than positive ones. This reaction is due to our brains being hardwired to detect threats to ensure our survival.

Understanding how our brains are wired can facilitate self-acceptance. However, remember that our genes are just a part of the equation. Our emotions, life experiences, and choices complete the picture.

Cultivating a "growth mindset" to effectively navigate feedback.

Picture this: someone starts pointing out your flaws, and you instantly feel defensive and upset. What makes us interpret feedback as an affront, beyond our genetic predispositions? It largely boils down to our attitude.

We often oversimplify our identities into absolute labels like "I'm a good person" or "I'm a hard worker." These rigid labels don't leave much room for nuance.

Consequently, negative feedback can feel like an attack on our entire identity. If someone remarks, "You weren't very helpful on yesterday's task," you might feel stung, interpreting it as a challenge to your hard-working persona, and thus dismiss the feedback.

Instead, strive to shift from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. It's common to view personality traits as unchangeable, but that's not a constructive approach. Focus on areas where you can grow.

Carol Dweck, a researcher, explored this concept through a children's puzzle-solving experiment. She discovered that children with a growth mindset coped much better with failure because they were motivated to improve. In contrast, children who considered their puzzle-solving abilities as unchangeable were easily discouraged.

Perceiving challenges as opportunities and feedback as a learning mechanism can catalyze genuine development. If you are committed to learning, you'll continually get better at it.

With a growth mindset, you believe in your potential for improvement and stay motivated to keep progressing. A positive attitude can significantly influence personal growth.

Of course, no amount of self-belief will transform you into a tennis champion overnight. As we've discussed, genes do play a role. But remember, many crucial aspects of life — such as intelligence, creativity, compassion, and confidence — can be enhanced by maintaining a positive attitude and fostering a healthy growth mindset.

Wrapping it up

The central idea in this book:

All feedback, regardless of whether you resonate with it, can serve as a springboard for growth. Cultivating an open mind towards feedback can facilitate our personal development. When we master the art of processing feedback effectively, our potential for personal growth becomes limitless.