Marriage Be Hard - Book Summary

Dive into the secret language of matrimony: Communicating effectively with your spouse

Many of us nurture an idyllic image of marital bliss — a union of soulmates, intuitively in sync, always on the same emotional wavelength. This 'movie script' version of marriage is tantalizing, and why shouldn't it be?

Yet, perhaps you've realized that even in the warm embrace of a loving relationship, matrimony isn't quite the smooth, effortlessly flowing river you'd envisioned. Why? Because marriage isn't a destination — it's a journey. A journey that demands unwavering dedication, consistent effort, and a ceaseless commitment to growth.

We are often led to believe that saying 'I do' is the culmination of our journey, the pinnacle that guarantees everlasting happiness. But in reality, it's just the beginning — the initiation of an ongoing cycle of effort, learning, and evolution.

At the heart of this evolution, the fulcrum that balances the scale, is one fundamental aspect: communication.

As we navigate through Kevin and Melissa Fredericks' profound insights in "Marriage Be Hard", we'll delve into the realm of 'relentlessly honest dialogues' — dissecting the myriad ways effective communication paves the path to a healthy, thriving relationship.

"Marriage Be Hard" is partitioned into twelve dialogues — an odyssey through the labyrinth of love. But in our journey today, we'll explore just three aspects — expectations, intimacy, and marital roles. Whether you're in a committed relationship or contemplating one, these revelations will equip you with a deeper understanding of effective communication with your partner.

So, are you ready to dive in? Let's embark on this enlightening exploration together!

The minefield of unvoiced expectations

The backbone of every relationship is teeming with expectations — each of us harbors visions and anticipations that we hope our partnership fulfills. But unexpressed expectations can lead us down a treacherous path, creating misunderstandings and disappointments.

So, what sort of expectations do we commonly bear? If you've chosen the path less trodden by today's couples and haven't cohabitated before marriage, you may encounter the vast difference between dating and matrimony. While we often showcase our best sides during the dating phase, marriage throws the curtains wide open, exposing vulnerabilities and peculiarities in the harsh light of day-to-day living.

Fail to articulate your expectations, and you might find yourself in an entanglement of unmet desires and misunderstandings. This is particularly true when you and your partner don't exactly align — a scenario that, according to Kevin and Melissa Fredericks, isn't a requirement for a successful relationship.

The age-old adage, 'opposites attract', could indeed hold true. You may be a meticulous planner, while your partner thrives in spontaneity. You might be an outgoing social butterfly, and they a home-loving introvert. Or, perhaps you enjoy donning fancy attire, while they prefer lounging in comfy wear.

The secret to sustaining and nurturing your relationship is taking the time to check in on your partner. Keep the conversation about expectations alive by pondering three fundamental questions:

First, what assumptions did you carry into your relationship or marriage?

Second, has your marriage or relationship met your expectations?

And third, what aspects of your marriage or relationship have surpassed your expectations?

While the answers will vary across couples, the focal point of expectations often circles around two key areas: intimacy and marital roles. Let's delve into these topics a bit deeper in the subsequent sections.

Unraveling the threads of intimate desires

Let's talk about sex, a dimension of relationships demanding the deepest and most intricate forms of communication. Our sexual desires, wants, and needs often starkly diverge from our partners'. If we don't voice these aspects, how are we to understand each other's innermost yearnings? As daunting or awkward as these discussions may seem initially, they're imperative to the health and harmony of our relationships.

Numerous individuals, including Melissa and Kevin, grow up shrouded in sexual stigma. They had made the conscious choice to abstain from sex until marriage. But their discussions were always centered on this one aspect, leaving them unguided and confused about navigating their sexual life post-marriage. This lack of guidance gave birth to misaligned expectations, on both individual and collective fronts.

Melissa, for instance, harbored the expectation that she'd immediately feel at ease with her sexuality post-marriage. To her surprise, she grappled with insecurities about her sexuality long after their wedding vows.

Kevin, on the other hand, entertained the notion that marriage would open the floodgates to constant intimacy. This expectation, too, was far from reality. These disparities ignited the need for open dialogue between them.

With one partner having a higher libido and the other a lower one, it's easy for misunderstandings and hurt to creep in. The one with a higher desire might feel rejected when their sexual advances aren't reciprocated.

Melissa shares several instances of such situations in her own marriage. Her advice? If your libido is lower, be candid about it, ensuring your partner understands that it's not a personal rejection. You might be intensely attracted to your partner, but sexual desire isn't a constant flame — it ebbs and flows.

She also encourages exploration, staying open to the idea of intimacy even when you're not in the mood. Don't push yourself, but rather embrace an open-hearted approach. If you let the absence of spontaneous desire guide your decisions, you might end up indefinitely putting off intimacy — a trajectory that could eventually strain your relationship.

Stepping into your marital shoes

Presumptions about marital roles — the distinct functions each individual embodies within a relationship — can be corrosive if not openly discussed.

Traditional marital archetypes often paint a picture of women as homemakers and caregivers, while men are the breadwinners. In today's day and age, these roles are undergoing a transformation toward equality. However, many people still walk into marriage with preconceived notions about who is responsible for what.

This issue tends to surface particularly when the pitter-patter of little feet enters the picture. One partner may have to prioritize childcare while the other focuses on work, or perhaps both prefer to juggle parenthood and professional life.

Take Melissa and Kevin as an example. Before they became parents, they both maintained nine-to-five jobs. In addition, Kevin was passionately pursuing his aspiration of becoming a comedian. As a man, he felt a strong obligation to provide for his family. Melissa, on the other hand, considered herself more pragmatic, harboring a desire for financial security in case Kevin's dreams didn't take flight. So, she continued to work, a decision that Kevin found hard to digest.

With their children's arrival, their mutual support dynamics morphed. Melissa couldn't be as involved in Kevin's rehearsals. Her routine was filled with a full-time job, picking up kids from daycare, and coming home to prepare dinner.

This shift bred resentment. Kevin felt as though Melissa no longer backed his dreams, while Melissa envied his freedom and flexibility.

The introduction of children morphs a relationship, making it more than just about the two partners. It was within this transformation that Kevin and Melissa realized the necessity of defining and discussing their marital roles. Open conversations became instrumental in discerning their roles and rejuvenating their bond.

Melissa admits, "Our communication around Kev’s career was lacking. We could have, and should have, been more deliberate about taking the journey together, about dreaming together and celebrating the wins."

So, take time to sit with your partner. Discuss what each of you values, how you plan to shoulder your familial responsibilities, and how you'll keep the relationship's flame alive amid the whirlwind of life.

The crux of the matter

We carry a suitcase of expectations into our marriage, molded and shaped by our past experiences and teachings. These expectations, however, can cast a long shadow on our matrimonial bliss, especially in the realms of intimacy and marital roles. Continually expressing your emotions and discussing your anticipations is essential for nurturing a vibrant, fulfilling relationship.

Let's not sugarcoat the truth — marriage is no walk in the park. Just because you tied the knot with your confidant and the love of your life doesn't mean you're endowed with a telepathic connection. The cornerstone of a flourishing union is consistent, open, and heartfelt communication. It's the magical bridge that keeps you connected with each other — and grounded in reality.