Getting The Love You Want - Book Summary

Unveiling the dynamics of love: Learn to navigate relationship waters for a fulfilling connection

Remember the days when you first fell in love? The initial romance painted the world in vibrant colors; every encounter was a dance of delight. It’s as if you were caught in a wave of enchantment that filled your heart with joy at the sight of your partner. But as time passes by, the magic seems to fade. The bubble pops, exposing the stark realities of your relationship.

Suddenly, you're no longer lovers in paradise but opponents in a battlefield. The qualities you once adored now get under your skin. Irritations build up, disagreements emerge, and a crevice of emotional distance begins to grow. Is this the end of your love story, or can you turn things around?

Welcome to our journey as we explore how to keep your love burning and sustain a healthy, long-lasting relationship. By integrating Freudian psychoanalysis concepts, we'll unveil the dynamics of love and relationships.

Along our voyage, you'll discover:

- The surprising similarities between your partner and your parents.

- How your beloved can morph into an adversary in the blink of an eye.

- The secret language of love gestures, such as gifting flowers.

Hold on tight as we chart these emotional seas together — navigate the ebbs and flows of relationships and steer towards more fulfilling, loving connections. Let's dive in, shall we?

Diving into our hidden childhood yearnings to understand our choice of partners

It's been suggested that we, perhaps, pick partners who bear a resemblance to our parents. Now, you might raise an eyebrow at this proposition, outright denying any such correlation in your relationship. But let's delve a little deeper.

Intriguingly, it's as if we're on a covert mission to relive our childhood milieu within our romantic unions. During the early bloom of a relationship, we treat each other with tender adoration, reminiscent of a baby's innocence. Ever wondered about the pet names lovers share — "cutie-pie," "bunny," "teddy"? These monikers invoke a nostalgia tied to our juvenile years.

The founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, took this theory a notch higher. He believed we're essentially adults encapsulating the emotional essence of a yearning infant, ever in search of parental affection.

So, what's the connection between our 'inner child' and our choice of life partner? As we grow, we develop an imagined construct — an 'Imago figure' — of the perfect caregiver, often a mirrored image of our parents. As we select our partners, this Imago figure, unconsciously, influences our choice.

Yet, the dynamics of our partner selection isn't solely reliant on this 'inner child's' craving. Another fascinating element at play is our attraction towards polar opposites, as we strive to reclaim traits that we let slip away as we transitioned into adulthood.

Have you ever noticed a couple and wondered how they ended up together, given their stark differences? Perhaps, one is the life of the party, while the other finds solace in quiet corners. The magic behind such seemingly discordant relationships lies in the longing for a sense of wholeness. As we evolve, shedding our childhood traits and acquiring adult responsibilities, we often lose an innate sense of completeness. To regain it, we may find ourselves drawn to a partner who embodies the traits we've lost, striking a harmonious balance.

The mirror effect: How our partners' traits reflecting our parents' characteristics can disrupt our love

Have you ever witnessed a couple, madly in love, that suddenly starts quarrelling after a few months of togetherness? The cause often lies in the partners' realization of traits they had initially chosen to ignore. And, surprisingly, these traits sometimes echo the characteristics of a parent.

Perhaps you've heard stories of individuals who grew up in a harsh environment finding similar harshness lurking beneath their partner's gentle facade. Or, individuals from families plagued by substance addiction inadvertently finding themselves sharing their life with someone battling addiction demons. It all ties back to the Imago figure — the mental construct of our ideal caregiver, usually echoing our parent's traits, subtly influencing our partner choice.

Take Kathryn and Bernard, a couple who sought counsel from the author. In their therapy journey, it was discovered that Kathryn's father had a propensity for long depressive silences. Intriguingly, Bernard shared a similar trait — he, too, would retreat into prolonged, quiet periods. This mirrored trait led Kathryn to be drawn to Bernard.

Regrettably, when couples begin recognizing these mirrored traits, love starts to lose its luster. Kathryn, once attracted to Bernard's quietude, found herself increasingly frustrated with his silence during their disagreements.

Consider John's story, another client of the author. John was taught to keep his anger under wraps by his mother. In Cheryl, he found a tempestuous spirit that resonated with the suppressed emotions of his childhood. Initially, Cheryl's fiery nature filled a void in John's emotional spectrum. However, her outbursts eventually amplified the echoes of his mother's lessons, causing him to reel in anxiety and ultimately leading to the demise of their love.

Unconscious escape routes: The subconscious yearning for exit options in relationships

In an era when the sacred wedding vow, "till death do us part," often ends up as hollow words in the face of high divorce rates, one wonders, do we truly commit to our relationships or are we always looking for an exit plan?

Subconsciously, we might be paving exit routes out of our relationship without even realizing it. These temporary getaways emerge when we opt to engage in separate activities, sacrificing shared moments that could strengthen our bond.

From enjoying a round of golf, heading out for movie nights, mingling with friends, to endless scrolling through social media, we often find refuge in activities outside our relationships. Yes, having hobbies is healthy. However, the drive to prune the rose bushes or lace up for a morning run may just be a cover for our desire to evade our partner's company.

Recognizing this escape trend, the author initiated the 'Imago therapy program.' The objective? Encourage couples to seal off their exit routes and invest in twelve weeks of quality time together. The focus is on nurturing meaningful communication over three months to solidify the relationship. And guess what? It works! Couples who committed to the program were more likely to continue together.

But what sparks this urge to avoid our partners? The answer may lie in our subconscious that views our partner as a threat the minute they fail to meet our 'Imago match' expectations, associating them with emotional pain.

Freud's theories lead us back to the limbic system, an ancient part of our brain responsible for our survival instincts. This fight-or-flight response mechanism links any kind of pain, including emotional, with the threat of death. Though this instinct helped us evade predators in our evolutionary past, the modern world sees our limbic system viewing our life partner, with whom we promised to navigate life's ups and downs, as a potential adversary.

No wonder then that we find solace in weekend gardening or any other distraction to escape from our partners!

Unlocking love's potential: The magic of unconditional gift giving in relationships

Random acts of kindness - a concept we often associate with altruism towards strangers. But have we ever considered applying the same philosophy within our closest relationships? Often, the small things we do for our loved ones come with invisible strings of obligation or guilt.

The secret sauce to a flourishing marriage? Unconditional gift giving.

Recall your infancy when your needs were catered to without any expectation of reciprocation by your parents or caregivers. As we grow, we harbor a subconscious expectation for similar treatment from our partners.

Unconsciously, we perceive our partners as caregivers, expecting them to intuitively understand our desires. Yes, we're essentially expecting them to read our minds! It's not just about random acts of kindness; it's about gestures that resonate with your partner's unique needs and desires. Imagine coming home exhausted with a throbbing headache and a sweet tooth, and you find a warm bath and freshly baked cookies waiting for you.

Personalized gifts can infuse fresh life into a relationship. But how do you know what your partner truly desires?

Psychologist Richard Stuart provides an ingenious answer in his 1980 book, Helping Couples Change. Stuart proposed a 'caring days program', asking couples to jot down their secret wishes they hoped their partners would fulfill, like coming home to a surprise bouquet. Partners swapped these 'wish lists', enabling them to fulfill each other's desires.

Surprisingly, the gesture's authenticity doesn't matter — whether the giver genuinely cares or merely goes through the motions. The receiver feels cherished regardless because the giver is investing their energy into them. It's this focus on the partner that nurtures the love and strengthens the bond in a relationship.

Dive into the three-pronged strategy for non-judgmental listening

How do you unlock the mystery of your partner's desires? It's simple — learn to listen to your partner. And, not just any listening, but through a non-judgmental lens.

Let's explore a three-step approach to elevate communication within your relationship.

The first step — mirroring. This might sound elementary but reaffirming what your partner expressed holds great value. You're not apologizing or defending yourself; you're paraphrasing your partner's concerns to reflect accurate comprehension.

For instance, if Partner A states, "Your increased drinking over the past year has been a problem," Partner B's response shouldn't be an apology but rather, "So, you're upset that my drinking habits have been bothersome for the past year."

Step two is validation — demonstrating an understanding of your partner's thought process.

Remember, no one enjoys feeling irrational. When you validate your partner's point of view, you reinforce their concerns as genuine.

Consider the author's clients, Doug and Rita. Doug had a habit of silently disagreeing with Rita to avoid confrontation, leading Rita to question her sanity, wondering if Doug thought she was crazy. In therapy, Doug was guided to validate Rita's thoughts, assuring her she wasn't irrational. Note, he didn't necessarily agree with her, but he respected her viewpoint.

This successful example affirms that while we may not always agree, we must respect each other's perspectives.

Step three — empathizing. Showing your partner that you understand their emotional state is critical.

Often, exaggerated emotional responses are signals to an emotionally detached partner. Let's say a husband starts yelling at his wife. Instead of recoiling, the wife should acknowledge his anger. This simple action can be a powerful tool in calming his fury.

Remember, effective communication is not just about talking; it's also about empathetic and non-judgmental listening.

Harness the power of container transactions to safely vent fury

Anger is a natural emotion we all experience. However, when it spirals into rage, it can inflict pain on a partner and inflict damage on a relationship.

How can we safely vent our fury without hurting our partners? Enter 'container transactions.'

The techniques of mirroring, validating, and empathizing constitute container transactions. They create a safe space for a partner to express anger in a controlled manner.

For instance, when a partner expresses discontent and we empathize rather than retort, we facilitate a container transaction. This approach pacifies the fury by enabling its healthy expression.

'Core-scene therapy' represents another form of container transactions — it assists in transforming harmful disputes into constructive discussions. This strategy is particularly useful for couples locked in a repetitive argument cycle.

Consider the case of Jack and Deborah, who found themselves in a perpetual row where Deborah would become progressively confrontational while Jack increasingly retreated.

To 'rewrite' their dispute, they approached it as if they were directing a theater scene. Jack was encouraged to voice his feelings while Deborah was asked to tone down her confrontational approach. By treating the dispute as a play scene, the couple could articulate their fury without the typical accompanying pain.

Full container transactions are effective because they enable catharsis.

In these scenarios, one partner releases the pent-up anger while the other aids in drawing it out. Essentially, one partner plays the therapist, probing with questions like, "What's fueling your anger?" This allows the 'patient' partner to access their bottled-up fury and let go of suppressed emotions.

Remember, anger doesn't have to be destructive. Container transactions provide a safe outlet to express it, ultimately leading to healthier, more harmonious relationships.

Embracing personality transformation and ego release as an embodiment of love and personal growth

Are you willing to modify your personality for the benefit of your partner? That's a question that can invoke a multitude of responses, most commonly, a staunch "no." We cherish our individuality, and the thought of anyone wanting us to "change" can seem unacceptable.

However, for a successful partnership, the willingness to address and work on individual weaknesses is essential.

Tweaking aspects of yourself showcases your love for your partner. Here's the thing — we're all on a quest to satisfy our unmet childhood needs. By accommodating your partner's requests, like maintaining cleanliness, you're not just responding to a current requirement; you're fulfilling deep-seated needs from their past. This is a significant demonstration of love.

Now, let's be clear, catering to your partner doesn't mean overhauling your personality entirely! What matters is the willingness to make modifications, like offering greater emotional support. Your effort is the sincerest token of love you can offer to your partner.

There are other bonuses too. As you attempt to transform your personality, you begin shedding egocentric behaviors. This process paves the way for embracing agape — the unconditional love for all mankind. But for this evolution to occur, your ego needs to 'die,' enabling you to cultivate compassion towards everyone.

The ego is tenacious and won't dissipate without a conscious effort to change. Change can be intimidating, often feeling like you're losing your identity. But fear not, this isn't a literal death; it's simply the death of your ego.

By letting go of your ego and embracing the emotional needs of others, you start nurturing unconditional love — for your partner and for humanity at large. This, my friend, is the epitome of personal growth.

Concluding thoughts

The fundamental takeaway from this enlightening read is:

At our core, we are all wounded children seeking solace. Recognizing this, we can reinvent our relationships as a shared journey towards healing, turning a lackluster romance into a blossoming, purposeful union. As we transform, we'll discover the potential of unconditional universal love, enabling us to serve as healers for each other, thereby creating a deeper bond and mutual growth.