Burn Rate - Book Summary

Uncover the hidden life of a CEO coping with bipolar disorder

When you hear that Andy Dunn, the co-founder of an internet start-up, sold his company for a cool $310 million, you might justifiably think that he's a superstar entrepreneur.

But that's only part of the story. What's often hidden behind the scenes is a sixteen-year long battle with bipolar disorder, an often misunderstood mental condition that can both spur great creativity and bring immense suffering.

This is not just a business success story. Rather, it’s an intimate exploration of what it means to live with bipolar disorder, trying to sustain normalcy while handling the unpredictable swings between mania and depression. It's about learning to acknowledge and cope with the impact of this condition, not only on oneself, but also on the lives of those around us.

Interestingly, bipolar disorder is more common among entrepreneurs, affecting up to 20 percent of them, compared to just 3 percent of the general population. It seems that the hypomanic phase of the disorder, characterized by boundless energy, optimism, and visionary thinking, may also fuel the entrepreneurial spirit.

However, it's a double-edged sword. While it can drive business success, the toll it exacts can be heavy.

Despite its prevalence, there's a cloud of stigma surrounding bipolar disorder, making open conversation about it a rarity. Through sharing his personal journey, Andy invites us all to talk about mental health openly and without shame.

This narrative could unsettle some, as it delves into tough issues such as mental illness, suicidal ideation, and domestic violence. Hence, a word of caution as you embark on this journey.

In our time together, we will explore:

- Why bipolar disorder is often difficult to identify and diagnose;

- The triggers and manifestations of the varying phases of bipolar disorder; and

- How a CEO living with bipolar disorder can still build a thriving business.

The sense of invulnerability

Andy Dunn grew up in the suburbs of Chicago, amidst a family that was practically a mini medical convention. From surgeons and oncologists to physical therapists and mental health professionals — they were all in his extended family, a blend of Indian and American heritages. This healthcare-packed background, coupled with his intelligence, made him and his sister Monica feel invincible as kids.

That very intelligence also led him to skip a grade, which landed him in classes with teenagers who were older than him. It wasn't easy being the odd one out, particularly for a mixed-race kid in a predominantly white classroom. His peers even came up with a nickname for him — 'windu', a fusion of 'white' and 'Hindu'. But Andy chose to brush aside the pain and resentment that came with feeling different.

However, an event would soon change young Andy's life trajectory — a classmate's enthralling tales from a ski vacation. The stories of entrepreneurship and jet-setting lifestyle sparked an interest in him. He began to see that there was more to the world than the healthcare careers he was surrounded by at home.

This revelation, combined with his belief that he was 'gifted' with an entrepreneurial mind, made him aspire to the vibrant lifestyle his classmate so vividly described. This sense of potential greatness within him would later fuel his ambition — and also exacerbate his psychological vulnerabilities.

As life would have it, Andy entered Northwestern University, joined a fraternity, and was blessed with multiple advantages. Through connections, he secured internships, worked diligently, and lived life to the fullest. He dabbled with psychedelic substances and fell deeply in love with a girl named Camila.

All in all, life was enjoyable, to say the least. In fact, it felt grand.

The unexpected visitor: Hypomania

Picture this: You're 20, partying hard, experimenting with alcohol and drugs, and being completely smitten by love. It's natural to feel energetic, high-spirited, and full of life. Who needs sleep when life feels like an electrifying party?

But when does this become an issue? How would you, or anyone around you, know if these aren't just the normal quirks of youth but signs of something more serious?

Before the full onset of mania, one goes through a phase called hypomania. You feel supercharged, unstoppable, invincible. Confidence is at an all-time high. You're more talkative, and fatigue is a foreign concept. Ideas flood your brain, sparking creativity and productivity. You're high on an amplified reality. However, it's a reality that is treading dangerously close to the precipice of mania.

In the realm of mania, reality becomes a construct of your mind. There is no barrier between thoughts and words. Everything you think is voiced out, without any distinction between a close friend and a stranger. You start believing you're the only sane one and everyone else needs enlightenment. Everything seems to be a sign from the universe. The overstimulated brain detaches from bodily needs — you can go days without sleep, food, or even water.

One day, while walking across his college campus, Andy experiences an epiphany. He doesn't just possess a gift — he is the gift. He's destined to be the president. Overflowing with gratitude, he starts planning for this envisioned future.

Late at night, he heads to a 24-hour Burger King to share his vision with anyone willing to listen. He doesn't eat, because who needs food when you're a prophet? By the break of dawn, he's confiding in a friend about how he's been communicating with birds.

And what about Camila, his girlfriend? Suddenly, he believes she's God and their future child will be the Messiah.

As the delusions escalate, his parents intervene, bringing him home where he continues his naked ramblings, lecturing them about forgiveness, the perils of drugs, and colonialism.

Eventually, three doctor relatives check him into a hospital.

Under the influence of medication, he finally manages to sleep. When he wakes, he begins to regain a sense of his true self. He initially enjoys the hospital stay, cherishing the camaraderie with fellow patients. However, as more medication and rest bring him closer to his reality, the desire to break free becomes overpowering.

The struggle with acceptance

Andy's diagnosis lands on him with a thud — Bipolar Disorder Type I. His doctor explains how this condition oscillates between emotional extremes and induces full manic episodes. But he also offers a lifeline of hope — it could possibly be a single episode, triggered by the drugs Andy was experimenting with or perhaps his intensive acne medication.

Andy and his medically savvy family latch onto this hope, praying that it was a one-time incident.

In under two weeks, he returns to college. Word about his episode has spread, but it's like an elephant in the room. Nobody speaks about it, pretending it never happened. Andy participates in this charade too.

His avoidance of the diagnosis isn't because he wants to ignore it, but rather he doesn't know how to confront it. The thought of being mentally ill is too shameful and petrifying for him to dwell upon.

Nonetheless, it hangs over him like an unseen specter, ready to strike again, haunting him for years to come.

The quest for success

Brushing the incident under the rug, Andy steers his life towards normalcy. After working for a couple of years in private equity, he decides to attend Stanford Graduate School of Business — a place buzzing with limitless possibilities where big dreams are nurtured. Here, he crosses paths with Brian Spaly, a self-assured budding entrepreneur with an unusual obsession: trousers.

Andy, on the other hand, didn't have a specific fixation. He toyed with various entrepreneurial ideas like starting a falafel chain, importing Guatemalan rum, or exploring the South African cured meat market. But none of these caught fire. However, Spaly's idea did.

Spaly observed two issues with pants. Firstly, the fitting — apart from jeans, men's pants offered little diversity in fit. Secondly, the shopping experience — young men weren't fond of the retail shopping ritual. Spaly's solution was elementary: Offering a better fit for chinos and wool pants and selling them directly via the then-burgeoning online retail platform.

He even came up with a fitting name for the company: Bonobos, named after the peace-loving, free-spirited apes.

Andy, inspired by Spaly's vision, decides to jump on board.

Audacity at play

An interesting pact is forged between the two budding entrepreneurs — Spaly chooses to return to his private equity job for a while, entrusting Andy to take the helm as the CEO and co-founder of Bonobos. Spaly dedicates his evenings and weekends to the venture.

Oblivious to Andy's spectral baggage, Spaly sees in him nothing but a motivated, industrious young entrepreneur who could steer his company toward success. In many respects, Spaly's faith in Andy isn't misplaced.

After raising the initial round of investment, they launch Bonobos in New York City, starting from Andy's rented flat. His bedroom becomes a storage space for stacks of pants. Despite being in debt by $150,000 — without the cushion of a trust fund — Andy embraces the glamorous lifestyle expected of an up-and-coming entrepreneur, filled with cocktails, nightlife, and charming companions. He quickly realizes that New York is a city powered by audacity — a place where people are bold enough to say whatever they wish, without fearing the repercussions.

Andy fits into this culture seamlessly.

Bonobos starts garnering positive press, and sales surge. Andy emerges as a man on a mission. Is he treading the path to greatness? Is he revolutionizing the retail landscape?

Or, is it the reemergence of his hypomanic episode?

Hypomania is akin to a superpower — it can amplify your potential, pushing you to accomplish extraordinary feats. However, without proper management, it can spiral out of control, wrecking lives in its wake.

The rollercoaster ride

During these whirlwind days in NYC, Andy teeters on the brink of mania. However, his sister Monica intervenes just in time.

Though Andy's diagnosis was never a topic of conversation within the family, they had silently pledged to prevent a recurrence. Monica recognized the warning signs — his elevated spirits and inflated self-importance — and ensured he rested well to break the manic spiral.

However, bipolar disorder is not just about the euphoric highs.

Bonobos was faring well, attracting Spaly to rejoin full-time. But the partnership between Spaly and Andy was crumbling. They squabbled over everything, from payroll to inventory, to business strategies. Andy harbored an incessant conviction that Spaly was pulling the company down. He even tried to manipulate reality to fit his perception, seeking validation from others that Spaly was indeed the root of all problems.

As his relationship with Spaly disintegrated externally, internally, Andy's mental equilibrium was toppling.

This time, his mood was spiraling downwards. It hit rock-bottom during a flight to Las Vegas when an eerie thought invaded Andy's mind: he wished for the plane to crash.

During severe depression, suicidal thoughts stem not from a death wish, but an urge to escape the encompassing darkness — to break free from the living nightmare.

Andy would spend days holed up in bed, often sleeping throughout daylight hours. The prospect of facing the world was daunting. He would then compensate by indulging in hypomanic escapades during Saturday nights in the city. Unable to summon the effervescence and charisma he was known for, he would resort to alcohol. Out in the clubs, he would blend right in. This paints a picture of how mental illness and substance abuse can intertwine, forming a treacherous cycle that's hard to break.

Andy's capacity to conceal his internal turmoil had perfected since his school days. He had mastered the art of camouflaging his depression, projecting an image of well-being, even prosperity. He consciously avoided introspection regarding his mental health. Acknowledging his depression would also mean accepting the potential return of his mania — a truth he was not prepared to confront.

Gathering steam

A common misconception about bipolar disorder is that its swings are abrupt, pivoting from highs to lows instantly. In reality, it unfurls like a sine curve, gradually cycling through phases. A particular state could persist for weeks before an abrupt reversal.

Andy's episodes of depression were interspersed with euphoric spells, but another full-blown manic episode hadn't occurred yet. He clung on to the belief that his college episode was a standalone experience. Perhaps his ongoing depression was merely a consequence of his taxing job — how does one delineate between life stressors and a clinical disorder?

Undeterred, he continued to blame Spaly for his troubles. Eventually, Andy requested Spaly to step aside from the business, and surprisingly, his co-founder obliged.

Emboldened by his hypomanic energy, Andy now soared to great heights. The emotional highs and lows of fund-raising acted like an antidepressant. His elevated mood, in turn, allowed him to endure even in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

Therefore, when the company teetered on the edge of financial collapse, Andy's audacity and boundless energy proved to be vital in securing funding. During a visit to a prospective investor, his company credit card was declined at the car rental service. Unfazed, Andy footed the bill, made it to the meeting, and secured a whopping $300,000, breathing new life into the company.

But the best was yet to unfold: Bonobos received its first venture capital funding. The tide was turning in their favor again.

Introspection

The horizon seemed promising for Bonobos, but navigating a company with venture capitalists on your tail is complex. Andy's new leadership style — one that induced fear among employees — was subject to scrutiny. A recurring pattern was emerging where he would enthusiastically onboard senior employees only to dismiss them within a year.

Nonetheless, he maintained an unrelenting momentum. The company charged forward, unleashing radical innovations. Although initially intended to be an online-only platform, Bonobos began establishing physical stores for customers to try on pants before placing a home delivery order. Andy experimented with countless other concepts. He even toyed with the idea of introducing a tech product to aid other online vendors, much like Shopify eventually did.

Andy had hired his former college buddy, Bryan Wolff, as the CFO, charging him with the task of steering the company towards profitability. Wolff cautioned Andy that he needed to shift gears promptly and cease the extravagant spending. In no time, he too was shown the exit.

Andy's energy continued to drive him relentlessly. But during a rare reflective moment, he had a startling realization — he and his specter. What was the common thread weaving through all his professional obstacles? Could it be ... himself?

This was the first time since his diagnosis nine years prior that Andy was desperate enough to try therapy and medication. He emerged feeling more despondent, as though there was no remedy for what he was enduring. He felt cursed and slipped further into despair.

At this point, two groups of people surrounded Andy — those who knew about his manic episode in college but chose to remain silent about it, and those who were oblivious to it. Regardless, Andy had to grapple with the specter of his past alone, leading to a surge of internal agony. On the rare instances when he did attempt to share it, he was met with an underwhelming reaction and an uncomfortable silence, making his pain even more unbearable.

The specter reappears

Andy's depressive phase subsides when he begins dating Manuela. She's stunning, intelligent, and balanced. In Andy's eyes, she's flawless, and he instantly falls in love — a dangerous prospect for someone with bipolar disorder.

On another flight to Vegas, Andy becomes convinced that the plane is going to crash. This isn't just a hunch; it's a grim certainty. He spends the entire flight bracing for his impending demise.

Fifteen years had passed since his initial and sole manic episode. Remembering what ensued last time, he decides to keep silent to avoid being institutionalized. However, he broadcasts a string of bizarre, prophetic tweets, declaring his visions to the world.

The flight. .. does not crash. In Andy's mind, this too is a sign! He’s been rescued. He's reborn. He's God. But he must conceal this revelation to avoid being detained.

Lost in the streets of Las Vegas, Andy convinces himself that homeless people are not real — they're angels, warning us against materialism. In town for a conference, he delivers a speech. In his mind, it's a smashing success, though the feedback he receives is enigmatic. He attempts to give away his Rolex in a small diner because clearly, a prophet can't sport a Rolex.

He makes the decision to turn vegan, only to devour a cheeseburger immediately. He believes he's solved the Israeli-Palestinian conflict effortlessly.

Somehow, Andy makes it back to his family home in Chicago. They manage to make him eat — he hasn't eaten in days — and offer him a sleeping pill. But to his manic mind, they're plotting to murder him.

To those in the throes of a manic episode, the very people attempting to help can become perceived adversaries — a devastating situation for those who genuinely care and wish the best for them.

Eventually, Andy takes the pill and sleeps for hours. He begins to descend from his manic high, but it will take days for him to fully regain his sense of self. For now, he believes he's communicating telepathically with Manuela. He proposes mentally, and she accepts. He updates his Facebook status to "engaged," prompting hundreds to congratulate them. A puzzled Manuela calls him.

Caught off guard, he swiftly responds, "Oh my God," managing to play it off as an inadvertent misclick.

The abyss

Following that unsettling episode, Andy regained some semblance of sanity and recognized that he needed to step down from his position. He recruited a new CEO for Bonobos, while transitioning to the role of a board chairman himself.

Andy and Manuela embarked on a trip to China where she had business matters to attend to. During this journey, Andy experienced an all-time low in his mood. He was completely incapacitated, devoid of the energy to even get out of bed, let alone when he urgently needed to use the bathroom. But this encounter with the absolute abyss allowed for a crucial development — Andy finally confided in Manuela. She listened empathetically, offered her unwavering support, and stuck by his side.

This wave of intense depression, shortly after he'd resigned as CEO, led Andy to a pivotal realization: his job wasn't the root cause. These emotional highs and lows were likely to persist irrespective of his professional engagement. In reality, his role served as a form of antidepressant; devoid of it, he lost any motivation to even leave his bed.

Meanwhile, back at Bonobos, things were unravelling, and learning about this reignited a spark within Andy. Motivated by this turn of events, he decided to return to his role as CEO.

Calling out to the moon

Returning to the US, Andy's spirit is rejuvenated. Things kick off on a positive note. He's learned from past mistakes with Bonobos and shifts his attention to achieving profitability this time around. Their objective aligns once again with the quintessential startup dream: sell the company or take it public.

His relationship with Manuela is blossoming, and he stealthily places a down payment on an engagement ring. How thrilling!

Another stimulating experience: he watches Hamilton, a musical depiction of America's founding history, and is smitten. George Washington's character, in particular, resonates with Andy. Could he. .. possibly be George Washington?

Such grandiose self-perceptions are the usual harbingers of a manic ascension.

During a friend's birthday celebration in Brooklyn, Andy comes across the door code — 1225. In his mind, it's a symbolic reference: Jesus's birthdate. Suddenly, it dawns on him — that must be why his initials are A.D.

When Manuela returns home the next day, she finds Andy awake in their apartment. He's not fully lost in the throes of mania yet, but he's certainly headed there. He proclaims himself a vegan, only to devour a cheeseburger moments later. A man named Colt knocks on their door. The name strikes Andy as a symbolic reference — he must be carrying a firearm. He instructs Manuela to conceal herself.

Subsequently, Andy has an enigmatic conversation with a black cat. Growing anxious, Manuela calls her mother and requests her to come over. Upon arrival at the apartment, she finds Andy howling at the moon. Suddenly, he springs up to use the restroom.

Blood drips down his face. He's engulfed in a wave of anger, anguish. The sound of shattering glass echoes. The pain intensifies. The blood flow surges.

In a manic frenzy, Andy rips the radiator off the wall. He's stark naked and feels the need to recite the entire script of Hamilton.

He's abruptly subdued. He's left pondering — what just transpired? What's going on? Is he, in fact, dead?

The path of candor

Andy is admitted to Bellevue Hospital, where he takes several days to regain his senses. Eventually, he returns to normalcy, and one day, Manuela is permitted to visit him.

While they play cards, he spots a bruise around her eye. A wave of profound shame washes over him. She gazes at him, stating that it didn't cause her pain.

In time, Andy is discharged from Bellevue. However, the police are waiting for him. He is arrested on charges of misdemeanor assault and felony assault of a senior citizen. Besides assaulting Manuela, he had also shoved and kicked her mother.

From hospitalization due to a mental health crisis to immediate imprisonment, Andy isn't allowed to see Manuela during this harrowing process.

Often, the system fails to discern between criminals and those battling mental health issues, treating them as one. Despite every possible advantage — an accomplished lawyer, a loving family, and a forgiving partner willing to drop charges — Andy narrowly escapes the worst.

Once his mental state stabilizes, he is released from the police station as well. After enduring the traumas of hospitalization and incarceration, every subsequent challenge appears less daunting. This includes confronting his disorder, a task he had deemed impossible for much of his life.

After 16 years of denial and concealment, Andy was prepared to do whatever it took to maintain mental stability. The first step was to divulge his struggle with bipolar disorder to his coworkers. The board members were understanding, and the team rallied, setting their sights on selling the company. Surprisingly, Walmart showed interest.

More importantly, Manuela chose to stay with Andy. Her mother, too, forgave him, comparing his condition to diabetes, an unfortunate ailment that needed proper treatment. They guided him in confronting his mental illness with candor, devoid of stigma, and filled with empathy.

Andy connected with a new psychiatrist, Dr. Z. Discovering the right mix and dosage of medication is challenging; the perfect blend will keep both mania and depression in check without causing lethargy. Dr. Z prescribed a cocktail of medications that efficiently managed Andy's emotional highs and lows.

Andy and Manuela also began attending relationship therapy, helping them weather this challenging period and rebuild their bond.

At times, Andy wallowed in guilt, burdened by the shame of his actions. At other moments, he basked in the joy of Manuela's continued love for him. Regardless of where he found himself on this emotional spectrum, he persisted.

An obligation born from love

Even with consistent therapy and medication, the lack of sleep can swiftly lead to deterioration.

Riding high on the waves of his upcoming engagement to Manuela, Andy loses a night of sleep. His parents pay him a visit. Out shopping, he abruptly loses focus, thrusts his mother away, and dashes off. His father manages to catch up to him. Denial is no longer an option — they immediately address the situation as a psychiatric emergency. Dr. Z steps in, taking care of Andy and permanently increasing his medication dosage.

Shortly after this episode, the Walmart deal goes through. Bonobos is sold for a whopping $310 million. He's done it.

One question lingers — could he have achieved this feat without his bipolar disorder? It's impossible to determine. Andy has come to understand that mental illness is not a condition to stigmatize or deny, as he did in his earlier years. However, it's also not a condition to glorify. It's simply an illness — it's tangible, it's real, and it requires treatment. And it can be managed effectively with therapy, medication, routine check-ins, and transparency.

Three years later, Andy and Manuela are back in the hospital, but for a joyous reason. She is giving birth to Isaiah.

Cradling his child in his arms, Andy experiences a surge of emotions. A sense of fierce protectiveness and strength envelops him. He acknowledges that his spectral condition is still present and will always be. But he's resolved never to let it consume him — especially for Isaiah's sake.

It's his responsibility now, and he's assured he can fulfill it.

Concluding synopsis

For sixteen years, Andy Dunn largely denied his struggle with bipolar disorder, despite regularly experiencing episodes of hypomania and depression. During this period, he founded the thriving menswear startup, Bonobos, and met Manuela, the woman who would become his life partner. However, his mental illness nearly resulted in him losing it all. Following multiple severe manic episodes, Andy pledged to prioritize his mental health. A deeper comprehension of his disorder, combined with therapy and medication, persistently aids him in managing his condition, one day at a time.